Recently, a friend of mine sent me an hysterical email talking about messages printed on Kotex pantiliners. I checked each box I have in stock and didn't see any messages, so I'm guessing this came from a long time ago. Apparently, Kotex got the message & stopped printing them. I was unable to identify the original author. Whoever she is, she's responsible for many a knowing belly-laugh in the female community, for sure! Her letter is also the perfect introduction to some very exciting changes here at Aunt Ruby! That's right. Now, when you sign up for service with Aunt Ruby, you won't just get your own personalized multi-pack of feminine products & Never Run Out Period TM, you'll also get FREE GIFTS from other woman-centered & woman-owned businesses! I'll still give you tons of info on how to naturally make your period easier on you, but I'll put that somewhere you can access it when YOU want to (like this blog). I know your Aunt Ruby box often arrives at your door on a day that's really hard for you. From now on I promise to include in your delivery a few things that just might make your day easier. Be on the lookout for an upcoming blog post that will reveal the first months' free gifts!
And now, let the laughter begin...
Dear Kotex:
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch
of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it.
Annoying advice such as:
Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...
Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed
a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman
that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh.
Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies from hell...but go
ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya...See what happens and report
back. I'll wait.
While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate
from the vending machin e. I garan-friggen-tee that the first responders
will be females who just ovulated.
Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the
only activities that interests me is eating..sleeping..bitching or
crying for no apparent reason.. .and oh...does ripping someone's head
off count as a friggen' activity?????
Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their feminine
hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like
that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted
their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.
Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was
already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is
enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.
It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley
faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the
packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in
our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer.
There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package
announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya
just add an in-store microphone to the damn package & announce
that...helloooo, another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!
So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces
and shove them right up your ass.
PS How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon
to your packages instead !!!
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